Today I’m facing my fears

So today I’m having to be a big girl and face my fears. About 11 years ago I started suffering from anxiety. I felt closterphobic using the tube, aeroplanes, even going into certain shops. I have had CBT which is a therapy I highly advise and this helped alot but it was still there, my fears. To be honest I’ve had hypnotherapy too for my flying issues which is not what you see on TV. On many sessions I found I also left in less pain, I guess because I was so relaxed. I’ll talk about that another time.

My anxieties did not truly improve until I started taking antidepressants for my pains. I was a bit dissapointeed in a way, I wanted to fight my demons on my own but it was a massive relief and weight off my shoulders finally being able to get on the tube and go see West End shows which I had missed out on for so many years, visiting family, going to Art exhibitions in Central London. I love London and had missed it all so much. You can’t imagine what I have achieved in this past year. I will share at some point.

So I have been seeing a specialist to help with my fatigue which was getting so bad. If you have read any of my other posts you know what I have experienced. So although I have been using the tube I’m always with someone. My Dad has been my support when going to this hospital. Today he is unwell and I am having to travel on my own. Yes my IBS has flared but actually writing this post and listening to my music is acting like a good distraction. Distraction is definitely what seems to help me. Sometimes breathing exercises seem to make me feel worse, even reading or listening to music. I definitely find writing down how I am feeling as it’s happening is a good way of getting the feelings off my chest and distracting myself at the same time.

I’m half way there and feeling proud of myself. The train is not crowded and I managed to get a seat so that also helps.

My back is killing me now that I’m here. Only had to walk from tube, went up one flight of stairs then gave in to the other thing I hate, lifts.

We seem to have all the battles to fight. As if the pain isn’t enough we have to have the emotional pain too. The depression, anxiety and all the rest….. but this is why we are warriors. We fight, we may give up every now and again but we painfully pick ourselves off the floor and start again. We are warriors!

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